Rest

I am tired. I say that a lot. Every day and more than once a day. I should write down how many times a day I say it. While at work, I say it to co-workers. At home, I say it to my husband. I say it to the small groups I lead and when talking to friends on the phone. But, I keep on moving, working, leading, and going. I am worried that it is depression. I have so much to be thankful for...I wish I could always focus on the good, but I am regrettably fixated on the negative. So, in order to keep from making everyone uncomfortable around me, I make jokes. I entertain people with funny stories and anecdotes even when I feel like sleeping away the day in a numb bubble or calling in sick and having a pajama day with movies and potato chips. What am I hiding from? What aching pain is dragging me down and causing such fatigue?
2010 was a year of letting go. Letting go of a few things. Things like fixing the broken relationships in my extended family. I had to let go of my fantasy of living in a perfect world. (I wrote these words at the beginning of 2011).

Then 2011 came and slapped me with a dose of reality that almost did me in. Tired did not describe how low I felt. (some things that happen you just cannot share in a blog!)

Healing came slowly. Each morning I felt like I was climbing Mt. Everest without any oxygen tank to sustain me and that was just when I got out of bed.

Hope seemed something to be grasped in another place, another time. Not in this world. Not for me. That feeling lingered for many months.

2012 is here and I face it with a gentle resolve. To be still. To let God be God. To let go.

To Rest. A friend often reminds me that a woman at rest is attractive to a weary world.