Daddy's girl?

What does it really feel like to be adored by your daddy?  I wish I knew.
Did your daddy pick you up?  Set you on his lap?  Pat your head?
Call you princess, pumpkin, darlin'?  Did he ever laugh at your cuteness?
What is that like?
I have a dad.  He lived in the house with us.  He was there, but he wasn't.
My older sister called him ghost dad.
There were no cuddles, no touch at all.
He did not delight in us.  He only acknowledged our presence when we
were in his way...bothering him, blocking his view of the television.
I rarely sense that I missed out, not consciously.  Once in a while, though,
I do feel that daddy hole.  The emptiness that never got filled.
And this week, it felt like a big punch in the gut and this blog is my therapy tonight.
I really try to remember anything that gave me a clue that he loved me.  loves me.
He took us fishing....oh yeah because Mom made him.
He made weird faces at the dinner table...which we just found weird.
He bought us gifts when he had been out of town...Mom told him to.
Enough of memory lane!
I have to move forward again.  Tears may stain my pillow tonight, but JOY
comes in the morning.

Someday I will sit on my heavenly Father's lap and He will call me Princess,
because that is what I am to the King of Kings.  And He will let me cuddle for a while, He will
wipe away these tears.  Someday...

Me, paranoid?

If you could hear my thoughts, would you stick around? Heck, I wish I could leave me somedays.

If you ever want to hurt me, confuse me or just plain mess with my brain, then give me the Silent Treatment!  I am not sure which childhood trauma(s) caused me to loathe relational silence, but it is a mental torture.  I have suffered two recent occurrences, one with friends and one at work.  Both were equally painful for me, but I tried not to let on just how much it hurt because that would be too vulnerable and humiliating.  So I suffered on the inside.  Tortured myself with paranoid thoughts.  Here is an example:  "They don't care about me anymore.  I must have done something wrong.  I am too much trouble to bother with.  I am not worthy to be responded to.  They want to hurt me.  They are setting me up!  Abandoned!  Excluded!  Punished!  Betrayed!"  You get the point.  Are you running away yet?  Let me run with you!!

I try so hard to talk myself out of my own paranoia.  I talk to my husband, but he didn't grow up in my home and cannot relate to crazy.  Most of the time I have to talk to my sister who knows how to talk me down out of the crazy tree.  Somedays, I do the same for her.

So I picked up my new copy of Anne Lamott's book, "Help Thanks Wow" and was reminded that there are three things I cannot change, the past, (my crazy-making childhood), the truth (was anyone trying to hurt me or was I only reliving my childhood pain?) and you (I can only change me...and that sounds like a stupid cliche', especially when I am feeling paranoid!)  Anne offers a tangible solution for letting go of crazy, toxic, obsessive thoughts on page 36.  She puts her thoughts down on paper and puts that paper in a "God box."  It's an act of giving it to God, hands off.  I think I will try it next time my mind goes there.

My favorite quote from Anne's little book on prayer?  "Help me not be such an ass."  (Amen.)