Foggedaboutit!

Reading in Isaiah 43 this morning, my eye caught a couple of verses I had underlined years ago.

Verse 19 says: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past."

Verse 26 says: "Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence."

These two verses seem to contradict each other...

Sometimes when I tell people my story; with good intentions they tell me not to dwell on it. It's in the past. We have an older neighbor across the street who loves to say with a strong polish accent, "Foggedaboutit!" (Translation: Forget about it!) Lately I have been really struggling with whether we should foggedaboutit or consider verse 26. How do we reconcile our differences if we simply "forget" and try to live as if there were no wrongs done? Obviously we need to talk over an issue if there is an accusation and a need for stating one's innocence.

And what about a person who is still haunted by his/her childhood? Is there true recovery from abuse if we rush past the memories and try to forget? Are we trying too hard to hurry up and forgive? Can we forgive completely when we haven't first looked at the depth of the damage done? Is that even possible? Or can we forgive without forgetting? I hope so!!! Sara Groves sings these words "And I'm not God; I'm a girl. I confess that I don't have a sea of forgetfulness."

So what does it mean to forget the past? I have read that when Joseph said "...God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household;" he wasn't saying that he couldn't remember what happened, but that he was canceling the debt! Still, I am not sure if the word forget in verse 19 means to cancel the debt...especially since the last half says "do not dwell on the past." So, should we forget or review? Like so many other passages of scripture, there seems to be a yes/no/both apply conundrum. I find that oddly comforting sometimes. If there is more than one answer to a question, then we as finite humans cannot hit each other over the head with one verse to prove our point!

So today I am embracing both of these verses...and hoping that God will show me when and where to apply each.

Heaven on Earth

I just returned from the most intense week long seminar I have ever experienced. SALTS (Survivors of Abuse Leadership Training Seminar) takes you on a journey of self discovery like no other on the planet. Well, it wasn't like the retreat that caused death like we heard about in the news recently; we actually got really good food three times a day!

I don't want to talk about specific details yet. I need to keep them for myself a little while longer; let them soak all the way in and saturate my soul. I will share with you this: God became more real this week. I felt Him become my Daddy. If you never got to sit on your earthly daddy's lap, you will understand how important it is to experience a taste of your heavenly daddy and "sit on His lap" here and now. We are wounded in relationship and we can only become healed in relationship.

I am looking forward to heaven so much more than I have my whole life.

My first response in returning home is to invite everyone I know to attend this seminar. Not to fix anyone, but to give a gift of experiencing community at its deepest level with fellow travelers on this crazy journey we call life. Does that idea scare you? It scared me. I had a sick stomach for two weeks before I left knowing what I was getting myself into. This is my second time attending.

Are you curious? You can visit the Open Hearts Ministry website: www.ohmin.org to learn more.

Guilty Pleasures

During a recent conversation with my career counselor at Baker College, I was asked how I liked being on unemployment insurance...you know; the paycheck from the government for not being able to find employment. I hesitated for a moment and finally said, "It's the devil!" He laughed and told me that some people have said it was the best thing that happened to them. They got healthier and rested and had fun going to the beach! I was a little shocked and perturbed.

I have felt guilty and nervous and depressed and pressured to get a job. I don't go to the beach or biking or kayaking because it has not felt like the right thing to do. So why am I so different than the people that are enjoying this time off? I have been trying to answer that question ever since he said it.

Perhaps this is how I feel about any good thing in my life that I did nothing to earn. Is it more difficult for me to receive good gifts from God because I feel so unworthy? Do I still think that I should earn His love? And what about my earthly relationships? Will I allow myself to receive love from my husband and kids and friends even when I offer less than what they want or need?

I don't have a complete answer to these questions today. I do know that I want to be like the people who have enjoyed their unemployment...not necessarily regarding my joblessness or government money, but to be able to enjoy my relationships and happily receive good things, regardless of whether or not I feel I deserve it.

Get A Job!

Get a job! Sha Na Na Na, Sha Na Na Na Na, Get a job!

Waiting for a call today for that elusive job in Western Michigan.

Finding a job in Michigan is more difficult than finding that proverbial needle in a haystack.

I have discovered that moving to this side of Michigan means that you need to know someone to get hired or even called for an interview. I thought about changing my last name to VanderBarker in hopes that potential employers would at least wonder if they knew me or my family!

So, I sit here and wait. Afraid to jump in the shower, afraid to run outside and put the garbage cans away. Afraid I will lose my voice the minute the phone rings...if it ever does. Afraid it won't. Afraid it will. Afraid of failure once again. Afraid.

Did you ever read the book, Hinds Feet on High Places? (where is the underline option?) Anyway, the main character, Much Afraid, goes on a long journey to become free from her fears. I feel as though I have started that journey, but never finished. Fear still rules my decisions much of the time. It is my constant battle to overcome fear.

I sing this line of an old hymn every morning: "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow!"

That is what enables me to press on.

No rings yet, but there is hope for tomorrow!

My Big Red Healing Chair

Connie here...sitting in my big red healing chair watching Brian watch t.v.

I sit in my big red healing chair a lot. Just ask my kids or the hubby (a.k.a. Brian). My chair is in my corner with all my necessary things like kleenex and remotes and phones.

The reason I call it a healing chair is because when I sit here long enough, my aches and pains slowly ebb away. I have a condition called Transverse Myelitis. It is rare, but it is real like fibromyalgia or multiple sclerosis. I look the picture of health and I work hard when I work...like when I am out in my yard or serving donuts at the local cider mill. But not many people see me resting in my big red chair...sometimes for hours in a row. Especially after a tough day. Last week I stayed here for almost two days straight after my grandchildren left from a long visit.

If someone tells you they are in pain, believe them. We cannot always see with our eyes how others are suffering.

This is the first post from my corner (and chair).