Guilty Pleasures

During a recent conversation with my career counselor at Baker College, I was asked how I liked being on unemployment insurance...you know; the paycheck from the government for not being able to find employment. I hesitated for a moment and finally said, "It's the devil!" He laughed and told me that some people have said it was the best thing that happened to them. They got healthier and rested and had fun going to the beach! I was a little shocked and perturbed.

I have felt guilty and nervous and depressed and pressured to get a job. I don't go to the beach or biking or kayaking because it has not felt like the right thing to do. So why am I so different than the people that are enjoying this time off? I have been trying to answer that question ever since he said it.

Perhaps this is how I feel about any good thing in my life that I did nothing to earn. Is it more difficult for me to receive good gifts from God because I feel so unworthy? Do I still think that I should earn His love? And what about my earthly relationships? Will I allow myself to receive love from my husband and kids and friends even when I offer less than what they want or need?

I don't have a complete answer to these questions today. I do know that I want to be like the people who have enjoyed their unemployment...not necessarily regarding my joblessness or government money, but to be able to enjoy my relationships and happily receive good things, regardless of whether or not I feel I deserve it.