Guilty Pleasures

During a recent conversation with my career counselor at Baker College, I was asked how I liked being on unemployment insurance...you know; the paycheck from the government for not being able to find employment. I hesitated for a moment and finally said, "It's the devil!" He laughed and told me that some people have said it was the best thing that happened to them. They got healthier and rested and had fun going to the beach! I was a little shocked and perturbed.

I have felt guilty and nervous and depressed and pressured to get a job. I don't go to the beach or biking or kayaking because it has not felt like the right thing to do. So why am I so different than the people that are enjoying this time off? I have been trying to answer that question ever since he said it.

Perhaps this is how I feel about any good thing in my life that I did nothing to earn. Is it more difficult for me to receive good gifts from God because I feel so unworthy? Do I still think that I should earn His love? And what about my earthly relationships? Will I allow myself to receive love from my husband and kids and friends even when I offer less than what they want or need?

I don't have a complete answer to these questions today. I do know that I want to be like the people who have enjoyed their unemployment...not necessarily regarding my joblessness or government money, but to be able to enjoy my relationships and happily receive good things, regardless of whether or not I feel I deserve it.

Get A Job!

Get a job! Sha Na Na Na, Sha Na Na Na Na, Get a job!

Waiting for a call today for that elusive job in Western Michigan.

Finding a job in Michigan is more difficult than finding that proverbial needle in a haystack.

I have discovered that moving to this side of Michigan means that you need to know someone to get hired or even called for an interview. I thought about changing my last name to VanderBarker in hopes that potential employers would at least wonder if they knew me or my family!

So, I sit here and wait. Afraid to jump in the shower, afraid to run outside and put the garbage cans away. Afraid I will lose my voice the minute the phone rings...if it ever does. Afraid it won't. Afraid it will. Afraid of failure once again. Afraid.

Did you ever read the book, Hinds Feet on High Places? (where is the underline option?) Anyway, the main character, Much Afraid, goes on a long journey to become free from her fears. I feel as though I have started that journey, but never finished. Fear still rules my decisions much of the time. It is my constant battle to overcome fear.

I sing this line of an old hymn every morning: "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow!"

That is what enables me to press on.

No rings yet, but there is hope for tomorrow!

My Big Red Healing Chair

Connie here...sitting in my big red healing chair watching Brian watch t.v.

I sit in my big red healing chair a lot. Just ask my kids or the hubby (a.k.a. Brian). My chair is in my corner with all my necessary things like kleenex and remotes and phones.

The reason I call it a healing chair is because when I sit here long enough, my aches and pains slowly ebb away. I have a condition called Transverse Myelitis. It is rare, but it is real like fibromyalgia or multiple sclerosis. I look the picture of health and I work hard when I work...like when I am out in my yard or serving donuts at the local cider mill. But not many people see me resting in my big red chair...sometimes for hours in a row. Especially after a tough day. Last week I stayed here for almost two days straight after my grandchildren left from a long visit.

If someone tells you they are in pain, believe them. We cannot always see with our eyes how others are suffering.

This is the first post from my corner (and chair).