What does it really feel like to be adored by your daddy? I wish I knew.
Did your daddy pick you up? Set you on his lap? Pat your head?
Call you princess, pumpkin, darlin'? Did he ever laugh at your cuteness?
What is that like?
I have a dad. He lived in the house with us. He was there, but he wasn't.
My older sister called him ghost dad.
There were no cuddles, no touch at all.
He did not delight in us. He only acknowledged our presence when we
were in his way...bothering him, blocking his view of the television.
I rarely sense that I missed out, not consciously. Once in a while, though,
I do feel that daddy hole. The emptiness that never got filled.
And this week, it felt like a big punch in the gut and this blog is my therapy tonight.
I really try to remember anything that gave me a clue that he loved me. loves me.
He took us fishing....oh yeah because Mom made him.
He made weird faces at the dinner table...which we just found weird.
He bought us gifts when he had been out of town...Mom told him to.
Enough of memory lane!
I have to move forward again. Tears may stain my pillow tonight, but JOY
comes in the morning.
Someday I will sit on my heavenly Father's lap and He will call me Princess,
because that is what I am to the King of Kings. And He will let me cuddle for a while, He will
wipe away these tears. Someday...
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I think of the old hymn "Child of the King." It's nice to be reminded that God is "rich in houses and lands, He holdeth the wealth of the world in His hands" but His most important characteristic is His LOVE. Thanks for the thoughts.
ReplyDeletethank you for reminding me of that wonderful hymn, I have been humming it today.
DeleteConnie - I have always appreciated your bravery and vulnerability. Thanks for trusting your readers with this. I'm more than willing to be a listening ear.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ron, I always appreciate your comments more than you could know. You are like a dear brother to me.
DeleteMy girls lost their Dad at 8 & 10 years old. One remembers a dad who molested her, the other a dad who always preferred the other. We haven't made it through a Father's Day Sunday without a meltdown yet and they are now 15 & 16. My 16 year old choked out, "I've got to leave now, I know I should stay and honor my Heavenly Father...." I know her Heavenly Father understood.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Kathleen, what a terrible ordeal for your daughters to have to recover from. I am sure that there is a lot more to this story than what you wrote, but I can read between the lines. There is a lot more to my story, too and I am just now getting brave enough to tell parts of it. I "survive" mother's day and father's day each time it rolls around. I hope your girls are able to talk to someone who can help them work through such pain. By the way...is this my cousin talking? If you are, I didn't realize your first name was Kathleen?!?
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ReplyDeleteHappy birthday. Hope you are well.
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