Me, paranoid?

If you could hear my thoughts, would you stick around? Heck, I wish I could leave me somedays.

If you ever want to hurt me, confuse me or just plain mess with my brain, then give me the Silent Treatment!  I am not sure which childhood trauma(s) caused me to loathe relational silence, but it is a mental torture.  I have suffered two recent occurrences, one with friends and one at work.  Both were equally painful for me, but I tried not to let on just how much it hurt because that would be too vulnerable and humiliating.  So I suffered on the inside.  Tortured myself with paranoid thoughts.  Here is an example:  "They don't care about me anymore.  I must have done something wrong.  I am too much trouble to bother with.  I am not worthy to be responded to.  They want to hurt me.  They are setting me up!  Abandoned!  Excluded!  Punished!  Betrayed!"  You get the point.  Are you running away yet?  Let me run with you!!

I try so hard to talk myself out of my own paranoia.  I talk to my husband, but he didn't grow up in my home and cannot relate to crazy.  Most of the time I have to talk to my sister who knows how to talk me down out of the crazy tree.  Somedays, I do the same for her.

So I picked up my new copy of Anne Lamott's book, "Help Thanks Wow" and was reminded that there are three things I cannot change, the past, (my crazy-making childhood), the truth (was anyone trying to hurt me or was I only reliving my childhood pain?) and you (I can only change me...and that sounds like a stupid cliche', especially when I am feeling paranoid!)  Anne offers a tangible solution for letting go of crazy, toxic, obsessive thoughts on page 36.  She puts her thoughts down on paper and puts that paper in a "God box."  It's an act of giving it to God, hands off.  I think I will try it next time my mind goes there.

My favorite quote from Anne's little book on prayer?  "Help me not be such an ass."  (Amen.)

Fasting from speech

One of the disciplines in the book Celebration of Disciplines by Richard J. Foster is Solitude.  Practicing solitude often involves not speaking to others.  In fact, the author suggests going without talking for an entire day.  I try that on occasion, just to tame my tongue which really needs a padlock some days.  Yesterday I fasted from most speech while I was at work....smiling, nodding and talking only when absolutely necessary.
OH the words I wanted to say!!!  If I could make a three point sermon from this experiment, I would confess that I either complain, explain or blame most of the time, or at least that is what I missed the most.  I want to complain about the weather, my aches, inconveniences, customers, co-workers, hunger, computers and on and on and on ad nauseam.  When I am not complaining, I am trying to explain myself, my motives, my ideas, how that last mistake wasn't my fault!  Or I feel the need to explain why I said something that obviously wasn't very nice and upset a co-worker.  Ugh.  The nastiest words I wanted to use was to point out the faults of others, complain about what they did and generally make them look bad...to make me look good?  How ironic!
I can also be very funny and witty and elicit a lot of laughter at work.  That is fun, but also needs to be reigned in at times.
I journaled about my experience on my lunch hour.  I hadn't gone more than four hours and I was completely disgusted with the words I never said!

Soooo, I started confessing and praying and asking the Lord to help me, because I cannot change this in my own power!  I want my words to edify, encourage, build up others and glorify Jesus...
If out of the heart the mouth speaks, Lord, change my heart!  Quickly!
Amen.

Favoritism

Last night in our small group we discussed James 2:5,6.  Don't show favoritism...
The conversation was all over the place; we talked about the poor, the homeless, other races, the handicapped, marginalized, and gays.  Each of us shared different times when we have felt scared, angry, disgusted, uncomfortable or indifferent when dealing with people who are different than us.

I was hoping to talk more about times that each of us have felt excluded, but it only came out in bits and pieces.  It may have been helpful to talk about the sadness, loneliness or shame that accompanies being left out.  I wonder if we could have gleaned more insight from each other's pain than we did by only discussing how or when or if we show favoritism.

There have been many different times in my life when I have been excluded.  One particularly painful time in my life was at the tender age of 13.  My family left our baptist church that I had attended since birth and started attending the United Methodist Church just down the road from our house out in the country.  I was scared and excited because I knew most of the kids that attended; we all rode the bus together every day!  This group met often and had parties, bible studies and even drove to school dances in groups.  The day I went to an indoor pool party with the youth group things started going sour.  I was so young and happy to just be there, that I had fun with everybody, including all the boys. Needless to say, this did not please all the girls.  That night, we all went to a movie as a group and I grabbed the arms of two of the older guys who I felt were my new friends.  That may have cemented the girls' hatred of me for the rest of my time in that church.  Those "christian" girls started making life miserable for me.  They talked behind my back at parties, gave me dirty looks, excluded me from any girl talk, made fun of my small breast size and told the boys to leave me alone.  One boy ignored them and became my boyfriend only making things harder for me to become close with any of the girls.  One night I called the ringleader on the phone and asked her why she hated me so much.  She said that it was just a personality conflict.  That statement made me feel un-likable and that it was pointless to keep trying.  I found that life at church was now even harder than life at school.  Our family eventually left that church for other reasons, but I have never forgotten what it felt like to be shut out. And, I learned a valuable lesson:  always try to make others feel welcome, valuable, important, included.

My belief that I tell myself when dealing with any new person in my life is this:  I may not know you, but you are either my brother or sister in Christ or you are my potential brother or sister in Christ and you are valuable to God and to me.  Either way, I accept you where you are right now, enough said.

Rest

I am tired. I say that a lot. Every day and more than once a day. I should write down how many times a day I say it. While at work, I say it to co-workers. At home, I say it to my husband. I say it to the small groups I lead and when talking to friends on the phone. But, I keep on moving, working, leading, and going. I am worried that it is depression. I have so much to be thankful for...I wish I could always focus on the good, but I am regrettably fixated on the negative. So, in order to keep from making everyone uncomfortable around me, I make jokes. I entertain people with funny stories and anecdotes even when I feel like sleeping away the day in a numb bubble or calling in sick and having a pajama day with movies and potato chips. What am I hiding from? What aching pain is dragging me down and causing such fatigue?
2010 was a year of letting go. Letting go of a few things. Things like fixing the broken relationships in my extended family. I had to let go of my fantasy of living in a perfect world. (I wrote these words at the beginning of 2011).

Then 2011 came and slapped me with a dose of reality that almost did me in. Tired did not describe how low I felt. (some things that happen you just cannot share in a blog!)

Healing came slowly. Each morning I felt like I was climbing Mt. Everest without any oxygen tank to sustain me and that was just when I got out of bed.

Hope seemed something to be grasped in another place, another time. Not in this world. Not for me. That feeling lingered for many months.

2012 is here and I face it with a gentle resolve. To be still. To let God be God. To let go.

To Rest. A friend often reminds me that a woman at rest is attractive to a weary world.

Foggedaboutit!

Reading in Isaiah 43 this morning, my eye caught a couple of verses I had underlined years ago.

Verse 19 says: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past."

Verse 26 says: "Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence."

These two verses seem to contradict each other...

Sometimes when I tell people my story; with good intentions they tell me not to dwell on it. It's in the past. We have an older neighbor across the street who loves to say with a strong polish accent, "Foggedaboutit!" (Translation: Forget about it!) Lately I have been really struggling with whether we should foggedaboutit or consider verse 26. How do we reconcile our differences if we simply "forget" and try to live as if there were no wrongs done? Obviously we need to talk over an issue if there is an accusation and a need for stating one's innocence.

And what about a person who is still haunted by his/her childhood? Is there true recovery from abuse if we rush past the memories and try to forget? Are we trying too hard to hurry up and forgive? Can we forgive completely when we haven't first looked at the depth of the damage done? Is that even possible? Or can we forgive without forgetting? I hope so!!! Sara Groves sings these words "And I'm not God; I'm a girl. I confess that I don't have a sea of forgetfulness."

So what does it mean to forget the past? I have read that when Joseph said "...God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household;" he wasn't saying that he couldn't remember what happened, but that he was canceling the debt! Still, I am not sure if the word forget in verse 19 means to cancel the debt...especially since the last half says "do not dwell on the past." So, should we forget or review? Like so many other passages of scripture, there seems to be a yes/no/both apply conundrum. I find that oddly comforting sometimes. If there is more than one answer to a question, then we as finite humans cannot hit each other over the head with one verse to prove our point!

So today I am embracing both of these verses...and hoping that God will show me when and where to apply each.

Heaven on Earth

I just returned from the most intense week long seminar I have ever experienced. SALTS (Survivors of Abuse Leadership Training Seminar) takes you on a journey of self discovery like no other on the planet. Well, it wasn't like the retreat that caused death like we heard about in the news recently; we actually got really good food three times a day!

I don't want to talk about specific details yet. I need to keep them for myself a little while longer; let them soak all the way in and saturate my soul. I will share with you this: God became more real this week. I felt Him become my Daddy. If you never got to sit on your earthly daddy's lap, you will understand how important it is to experience a taste of your heavenly daddy and "sit on His lap" here and now. We are wounded in relationship and we can only become healed in relationship.

I am looking forward to heaven so much more than I have my whole life.

My first response in returning home is to invite everyone I know to attend this seminar. Not to fix anyone, but to give a gift of experiencing community at its deepest level with fellow travelers on this crazy journey we call life. Does that idea scare you? It scared me. I had a sick stomach for two weeks before I left knowing what I was getting myself into. This is my second time attending.

Are you curious? You can visit the Open Hearts Ministry website: www.ohmin.org to learn more.

Guilty Pleasures

During a recent conversation with my career counselor at Baker College, I was asked how I liked being on unemployment insurance...you know; the paycheck from the government for not being able to find employment. I hesitated for a moment and finally said, "It's the devil!" He laughed and told me that some people have said it was the best thing that happened to them. They got healthier and rested and had fun going to the beach! I was a little shocked and perturbed.

I have felt guilty and nervous and depressed and pressured to get a job. I don't go to the beach or biking or kayaking because it has not felt like the right thing to do. So why am I so different than the people that are enjoying this time off? I have been trying to answer that question ever since he said it.

Perhaps this is how I feel about any good thing in my life that I did nothing to earn. Is it more difficult for me to receive good gifts from God because I feel so unworthy? Do I still think that I should earn His love? And what about my earthly relationships? Will I allow myself to receive love from my husband and kids and friends even when I offer less than what they want or need?

I don't have a complete answer to these questions today. I do know that I want to be like the people who have enjoyed their unemployment...not necessarily regarding my joblessness or government money, but to be able to enjoy my relationships and happily receive good things, regardless of whether or not I feel I deserve it.